unlearning + remembering self
Not too long ago, I came across a post from Liana Naima that rebuked the idea of being lost or having lost oneself in the aftermath of trauma and healing.
The post challenged me to think about my own journey to finding this newer version of myself. Specifically, I thought about how remembrance and healing are one in the same and why we should do away with the rhetoric of “being lost”. Prior to this realization, I spent a lot of time harping on what I felt anxiety and depression took from me. I’m sure I sent myself into a deeper depression once I convinced myself that I was lost and robbed of my best self. I was certain that if or when the fog lifted, I wouldn’t be able to remember myself or birth a newer version of myself. Instead, I would be lost to the throes of my mental illness.
I still struggle with that mindset but I do see it differently now. Choosing to heal in the midst of some emotionally crippling mental episodes required an abundance of patience and unlearning. But through that process, I see that everything I thought was “taken” from me was actually on its way back, just in a different form.
The process of remembering is gradual and rocky. Sometimes I’m flooded with a feeling of nostalgia and longing for the child-like things I enjoyed before mental health battles. Other days, I feel ridden with anxiety to develop a new life from scratch with some of the ashes from the past.
Remembering also brings about its own form of mourning and grief. Some days are easier to accept than others. Thankfully, I’m flowing into who I am and want to be separate of how my brain was wired.
Despite what anxiety would like me to believe about myself, I thrive on the lowest of keys. I am a fan of eating, preferably carbs, napping, and getting my scalp massaged. I like all things shiny and convenient and I work best in the dark or low lighting. My side eye is deadly, I like very few humans, I prefer to be touched only after consent is given and I don’t like loud noises. In short, I am a house cat. I believe in reincarnation as such I’m only behaving in this life so that I come back as a housecat. Just kidding, kinda.
Though this is who I am I also have to be committed to accepting a new version of myself. A newer version, existing outside of my comfort zone, that’ll most likely scare the shit out of me. But I’m learning that remembering and coming home to myself requires a lot of surrendering and letting go of the ego-driven expectations I placed on my life.
Just because joy and happiness feel unnatural doesn’t mean that I’m naturally supposed to be unhappy. I’m doing my best to claim joy, relaxation and peace. I’m working to process the seasons of anxiety and depression much differently than before.
In remembering, I’m hopeful for a future in which both mind and body are in alignment and I’m firmly rooted within me.
For more of Liana’s post, check her out on Instagram @liananaima :)