chapter 2018

This year has been a wild ride, internally. In the spiritual community, this phase would be considered shadow work, much of which I’ve spent this year doing. I spent the past 11 months realizing exactly how many ways I acted in direct opposition of the things I claimed to want.

I’ve been consciously doing this work since 2016 but this year felt like the ultimate challenge.

Within the same timeframe, I was tasked with releasing some heavy ideals about myself, unlearning limiting habits and establishing boundaries in pivotal relationships. In the spirit of ego deaths, I’ve lost count of how many lives I’ve shed in the since January 1. Countless spaces, names and identities no longer fit this frame but luckily, I still recognize myself when I look in the mirror.

Part of that recognition comes with revealing this truth: I am a bad bitch who struggles with being content at my current level of bad bitchery.

I came, I saw and I called myself out.

Much of the past two years has been spent trying to redefine stillness throughout my life. My esteem and confidence derived itself from my movement - stillness had no place here. There was no logical reason to be still when one simply focused on surviving and collecting accomplishments to ensure that I could always depend on myself.

I believe if I allowed the Universe to have as much control as I claim to be open to, this chapter of 2018 would be titled,”Bitch be cool, I/you/we got this.”

Regardless of my opinion on the matter, I am learning to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I am learning to hear my voice without fighting or rushing myself to make a sound.

It has been rough. Generalized anxiety convinces me that I am not doing enough and MORE must be added to my plate. Depression reminds me of my true nihilistic nature and thereby reaffirms my affinity for inactivity and not submitting my writings.

It’s a process. Some days call for wine and others call for more wine. #jesustakethewheel

So maybe chapter 2018 will be titled, “Kinda Sittin’ Still: A Memoir In Progress.” Stay tuned.

What would you call this chapter in your life and why? Lemme know.