on mental health + managing relationships

Living with anxiety and depression is difficult enough and ultimately both play a part in my ability to connect with others. Emotional trauma/issues aside, the ways in which my mental illnesses afflict me often tend to favor isolation. Fortunately, the first step to progression is awareness of the problem – check.

I’m boldly in these streets calling proclaiming my participation in this adult world, which also means that I must be accountable for my actions. In doing so, I realize that I have not always done the best job of fighting through the murkiness of anxiety and depression to connect with others. I can also say that I have used those same illnesses as a crutch to remain stuck in my own emotional stagnancy.

The cycle commences, generally during the midst of an anxiety episode, when I think, “Where is my support?” and “can anyone see me struggling out here?” Whether by way of genetics or my inclination to appear as Alpha as possible, I rarely let the people close to me see me sweat. I convince myself that the REAL reason I feel isolated is because I am the ONE and ONLY who can fix all of my issues; no one else truly cares and they’d fail if they ever made an attempt to try.

By default I am the strong friend, the confidant, the mom-friend and sometimes even “the muscle” (despite being 4’11). I have played into majority of these roles because honestly, they are the most comfortable. Supporting feels more natural than being supported. Taking care of others is easier than being taken care of. In essence, doing is my natural response to avoid allowing anything to be done for myself.

I can’t think of the word reciprocity without hearing Lauryn Hill’s voice in my head, but really, when do I give myself the opportunity to get some?

So in accordance with accountability, I have to be deliberate in both the nurturing of my relationships and allowing the same to transpire within me. I can’t complain about not feeling seen if I don’t do the work to ensure that the people in my life see me as myself instead of Superwoman. I can’t get in my feelings about my partner checking in on me if he doesn’t know that I’m experiencing an episode because I’m hiding it.

The idea of leaning into the depths of receiving and allowing others to care for me is hard. But I’m appreciative for my ability to witness where I am resisting and what still needs to unfold within my life.

Bare with me as I lean into this space.

Affirmations:

I deserve peace and tranquility.

I deserve to be loved on and cared for.

I deserve to bask in the light of my life and those who bring even more light into it.